Crumbs from the average girl's table.

I got to enjoy another one. We’re getting to know all about them by now, even the stupidest of us. We can evaluate them like a bunch of fancy lushes snorting the latest fabulous wine.

“That was a 5 pointer. I know!”

“I reckon it was a 4 pointer but really shallow and closer to us”

“Well I reckon it was centred right under the centre of town”

I was standing in the soft drink aisle, trying to work out how much Coke Zero to buy. Then It Happened. Pretty much anything that can be knocked down by a major quakey has already been knocked down so I figured there wasn’t much to worry about. I just kept my eyes on the soft drinks, thinking as soon as one of them bottles kissed the linoleum- well, then I would duck and cover. No such thing happened, which is really quite interesting… I think the supermarkets have changed their shelving somehow. I’ll get back to that-

well, now. I’ll get back to that. I was getting out of the supermarket. Feeling sorry for the checkout chickies who were looking rather pale. Poor girls, they can’t bail when they want to. A middle-aged man came up to me and told me that his shop would be in a total mess because he hadn’t… what? I forget. He hadn’t done something to stop his shelves from shaking and spilling to buggery. He reckoned his shop was in a mess but then I didn’t listen to him. I jumped into my car and screamed off as fast as I could, dreading the panicked traffic that comes from a decent shake… 

I got home after a lot of fuss. Schools all letting out before time, people panicking around and JAYWALKING! I never thought I’d see the day.

=====

Maybe the big supermarkets have some kind of new shelf that stops things from spilling onto the ground/shoppers?  I don’t know. Yet it was suspiciously amazing that I wasn’t crowned with a soft drink bottle whilst the earth shook to that degree.

I’m alright. All of my fragiles are still stuffed into my clothes drawers. I’ve grown to accept all of this shakey bullshit.

Now whatever you do in life you’ll always be stalked by the unknown. That unknown is you… am I weird, turning inwards and finding nothing but infinite questions? just as dark and as sparkly as the night sky. 

I sit here, research things, write things, do odd bits of teaching, do odd bits of work on my car. I make strange sounds on an antique violin. I need to escape from New Zealand. O how I need to escape.

mall1

(mɔːl) 

Also 7 mell, 8 maul. 

[A special application of mall, maul n.1, in the 17th c. taken to represent certain contemporary senses of the F. mail, which is etymologically identical with the Eng. word. Cf. pall-mall.] 

1.1 The mallet (cf. maul n.1 2) used in the game of ‘mall’ or ‘pall-mall’; = pall-mall 1. 

   1662 Order-bk. Gen. Monck 26 Apr. in N. & Q. 9th Ser. VIII. 14/2 That noe persons shall after play carry their malls out of S. James’s Parke without leave of the said keeper.    1706 Phillips (ed. Kersey), Mall,‥the Instrument with which the Ball is struck is also called a Mall.    1711 Addison Spect. No. 195 ⁋1 He took an hollow Ball of Wood‥He likewise took a Mall.    1884 J. Payne Tales fr. Arabic I. 123 The king’s son was playing in the exercise-ground with the ball and mall.

2. a.2.a A certain game; = pall-mall 2. 

   1646 Evelyn Diary (Chandos ed.) 193 Having seene this field and play’d a game at Mall.    1675 Cotton Scoffer Scoft 103 But playing with the Boy at Mall,‥I strooke the Ball‥A pretty height into the Air.    1796 Morse Amer. Geog. II. 154 The diversion [goff]‥resembles that of the Mall, which was common in England in the middle of the last century.    1868 W. J. Whitmore Croquet Tact. 4 The Mall received its name from having been appropriated to the purpose of playing at mall.

†b.2.b Applied to polo; = pall-mall 2 b. Obs. 

   1662 J. Davies tr. Olearius’ Voy. Ambass. 297 A certain Game, which the Persians call Kuitskaukan, which is a kind of Mall.    1687 A. Lovell tr. Thevenot’s Trav. ii. 79 There are two Banks‥which serve for playing at the mall on horse back, and the bowl must go betwixt those Banks.

3.3 The alley in which the game of ‘mall’ was played. = pall-mall 3. 

   1644 Evelyn Diary 2 May, The mall [at Tours] without comparison is the noblest in Europe.‥ Here we play’d a party or two.    a 1687 Waller On St. James’s Park 64 No sooner has he touched the flying ball But ‘tis already more than half the Mall.    1687 R. Ferrier Jrnl. 34 (Camd. Soc. Misc. IX.), There are several handsome walks, one whereof‥is a decayed Mell.    1706 Phillips (ed. Kersey) s.v., The Instrument‥is also termed a Mall, and the Place where the Gamesters play.    1812 Cobbett in Examiner 19 Oct. 671/1 Noble Ladies, who graciously condescended to become housekeepers and sweepers of malls.

4. a.4.a Now usu. pronounced (mæl). the Mall: a walk bordered by trees in St. James’s Park, London, which was originally a ‘mall’ in sense 3, and was a fashionable promenade in the 17–18th c. †High Mall: the time when the throng of promenaders in the Mall was at its height; also transf., ? a fashionable assembly in the open air. 

   1674 J. D. (title) The Mall: or the Modish Lovers. A Comedy.    Ibid. i. ii, I will be in the Mall, as soon as it begins to be dark, if I can get from my husband.    1676 D’Urfey Mad. Fickle iii. i, You may repair that inconvenience in the Mall to night Sir.    1706 Reflex. upon Ridicule 128 We see them in the Maul and in the Park walking, giggling, with their sparks.    1710 Palmer Proverbs 203 The intrigues of the mall and the playhouse.    1712 Spect. No. 437 ⁋4 Were you to see Gatty walk the Park at high Mall.    1727 Fielding Love in Sev. Masq. i. iv, Well, gentlemen, are you for the Mall this morning?    1752 A. Murphy Gray’s Inn Jrnl. No. 9 In St. James’s Park, at high Mall, on Sunday next.    Ibid., High Mall at the Bedford Coffee-House To-morrow Evening.    1775 Sheridan Rivals ii. i, I’ve travelled like a comet, with a tail of dust‥as long as the Mall.    1778 W. H. Marshall Minutes Agric., Digest 5 She resembles a‥cottage-bred Country-housewife‥parading the Mall of Taste amidst modern Petits-Maitres.    1816 J. Scott Vis. Paris (ed. 5) 64 He appeals to the smooth and level mall, and the carefully preserved canal of St. James’s Park.

b.4.b transf. A sheltered walk serving as a promenade; in some towns adopted as a proper name. Also, a shopping-precinct.

   [Cf. F. mail, used in various towns for a shaded walk, which in many instances was orig. an alley for playing mall.] 

   1737 Earl of Oxford in Portland Papers (Hist. MSS. Comm.) VI. 169 The churchyard is well planted, the walks gravelled; this is the Mall for the beaux and belles of Chelmsford.    1752 Mrs. Delany Lett., to Mrs. Dewes 134 It is the mall of Drogheda.    1808 Norfolk Tour, Norwich (ed. 6) 248 The new walk or mall from the bars by the work⁓house to Gannock-gates.    1838 Longfellow in Life (1891) I. 298 Afterwards walked in the Mall [Boston, U. S.] in the cool of the evening.    1883 F. M. Crawford Mr. Isaacs i. 7 Such of the changing crowd on the verandah and on the mall [at Simla] as caught my attention.    1914 Joyce Dubliners 24 All the branches of the tall trees which lined the mall were gay with little light green leaves.    1963 Observer 15 Sept. 23/6 The central paved avenue, or ‘mall’ [in a shopping-centre], wider than any street, with booths in the middle.    1969 Daily Tel. 19 Aug. 13/2 Basically, the housewife is demanding more comfort and convenience in shopping. This means covered and heated ‘malls’ with car-parking facilities adjacent.    1974 Economist 21 Dec. 47/1 The developers have discovered an even more potent device for generating sales: the rigidly controlled ‘shopping environment’ of the enclosed malls.‥ Woodfield Mall, near Chicago‥includes 235 stores in a roofed-over area of 191 acres.    1975 Times 19 Feb. 4/8 Malls smoke danger. Special fire precautions are needed in single-storey shopping malls.

5.5 Comb., as (sense 1) mall-maker; (sense 3) mall-keeper. 

   1708 Luttrell Brief Rel. (1857) VI. 354 Mrs. Masham, mall keeper of St. James’s Park, worth 500l. per ann.    1901 T. J. Jeakes in N. & Q. 9th Ser. VII. 353/1 The mall-maker’s shop was on the same road.

My dad… Bless his wonderful heart. He’s decided to write a biography of his father with my input. God knows I know bollocks all about writing. Yet I really want to do this with him, partly to give breath to a tremendous figure unknown to anyone but us. Another reason to give peace to my dad.

I think it should begin with my granddad’s being shot down and then his being diagnosed with flu only later for them to realise it was polio (which happened in real life). My dad thinks it should begin with my granddad looking up at those bright lights in a hospital. Actually, my dad has the better idea.

Pilot, Purple Heart, Polio. No, that’s actually a wonderful title. So here’s to a project.

My mum is away in the wilderness. Then she’s going to go visit her twin sister. God help us all.

I vented on a Livejournal post (a long time ago!) about the troubles I had with the antidepressant medication I was on at the time. I was told my some idiot that I should smoke pot instead, plus opium into the bargain!

Oh, the comment was deleted. I wish I could have shared it. Basically the person told me that all would be well with me if I smoked pot and a bit of opium as well.

Person? I’ve smoked quite a lot of pot. I’ve given it up. It made me way too hyperactive and had a nasty hangover with it. I had many many sources of many different kinds of pot- indoor, outdoor. Crystally pot, pot with red hairs, pot with purple hairs. Hyperactivity a hangover and a terrible tendency to talk too much? I cannot endorse pot as some sort of wonder drug that will cure all ills. All it will do is numb them. It’s great for physical pain though. It was the only thing that helped me when I got my wisdom teeth pulled. Kills pain immediately. I’ll ALWAYS recommend it for true physical pain.

Since I’ve quit smoking pot I’ve been around a bunch of people smoking pot while I decline the passed joint. I get the perspective of an outsider. All I see are people who talk too much and edge me into a corner, telling about their wonderful new ideas which are in reality nothing more than commonplace and slightly paranoid, hyped up with a new energy. 

I won’t decline a joint on the odd occasion- where there’s people that I really want to socialise with and literature really to be appreciated. But since Mr. Gorgeous went his own way there’s noone that I want to talk to about anything. Unless you were here. You know who you are.

And opium… I’ve gotten into a lot of opium. Opium, morphine, methadone and tramadol were my drugs of choice for awhile. They made me DO things- they made me forget my depression and sink my teeth into work and other things that had to be done. I’ve never used a needle, I ingested mainly in pill form and through smoking. Well… I became really ill with a kidney infection that spread to my adrenal glands. During that time I couldn’t ingest any kind of drug. I became doubly sick due to withdrawals. I know that I became sick in the first place due to my banging along all kinds of opiate/opiod pills… I had to stop it all. For a time I was in a terrible place. I don’t want to repeat the physical symptoms, but finally I managed to wrench myself free from them. Time heals all wounds. Now I won’t touch any of those things, I don’t want to get sick like that again. That sounds so basic but really the thing runs deeper (I flatter myself).

It’s that the drugs distract you from the deeper horror that nuzzles inside you. They’re just a temporary fix, a distraction. You can’t be distracted forever. You have to look that horror deep in the face and deal with it. Else how could you really escape for real and for certain?

Have any of youse ever read this?

I just acquired my copy via the wonderful entity that is the online bookstore. I was swimming in squalid misery. At that stage where I thought bugger it, it’s not worth the effort to try and extricate myself. Yet this book… I can’t quite say enough for it. It opens windows, doors and bloody atria- everything you can imagine that can be opened in the human psyche. It’s not an automatic ticket to illumination. It just shows you how important it is to try and rescue yourself through the most utter and utter of paradoxii- let go.

It seems like there’s two spirits- motivations- in me. One is self-destructive and proud. The other is humble and willing to grow in the right environment which I myself must create. I don’t know… I’ll cut this rambling short and cut straight to the dream.

It’s so bollocky and boring, going on about dreams. Yet I must relate this one. It came after a period of deep reflection and readings of this book about death.

I was awake, I think. I’ve sometimes experienced sleep paralysis and this felt something like that… but then it progressed. I felt as if I were being pulled into this terrible vortex. As if I were in a blender and then being pulled down, down, down… Yet then I felt a jolt. I thought, really and truly, that I had woken up and decided to go outside.

I walked outside and everything was so beautiful. Like it was 5:45am and the sun was coming up. Everything was suffused with this glorious pink glow. Dawn and dew. It fair took the breath out of me how wonderful it was and somehow I got the idea that my fruit trees were in blossom. I decided to walk off the porch and go look at those blossoms wet with dew and glowing with the magnificent classical light of dawn.

But oh no! I couldn’t figure out how to walk off that porch! I went my usual way but the way was barred… I twisted and turned, trying to find a way off. I couldn’t. So I climbed over the rail and jumped.

I fell a long way, way longer than I should have. I landed in some kind of forest, almost like the Wood Between The Worlds (Chronicles of Narnia, peoples!). Oh! And there were individuals in white coats. Two of them, standing either side of me. One of them had the face of a famous actress, so I knew they weren’t quite real… They looked compassionate but somehow aloof.

I asked them who they were and they mentioned that they were with the Fire Service. That’s where it began to seem like too much of a typical dream and I shook myself awake. I can do that.

There’s a lot of symbolism in that dream… it’s all terribly relevant. I can’t be so stupid as to try and lay it out here.

went to see a GP/naturopath who happens to be the most damn expensive GP in Christchurch… Yet the money is worth it. She steers you towards the right diet you need in relation to your condition. plus the medicine you need to cure it. 

I feel a lot better already and the food is… actually very good. It just takes me a lot of time to prepare. A few of the items are expensive and I dislike being without my gluten which equals my toast. I LOVE spelt bread as toast but the only place in my place that has it was knocked over by ye earthquakes.

It’s too painful to share what’s happened in the other part of my world. Would it all be alright if I moved to another place? My home country or Europe… I must move. I must see other places. I must escape leaden past senses and barred Future imaginations…

I’m open to suggestions here. Which country?

according to the major religions one simply goes to hell. another tack? one wanders in the astral plane for awhile, sick scared and alone. afterwards one needs to relive the life and the tortures until they can be conquered. strengthening of spirit.

I’ve been sick physically… dizzy spells, pains in my lower back and panic attacks. Panic attacks? wherein my breath is gone my head spins and my heart threatens to dance a rhumba out of my chest. Apparently it’s the adrenal glands gone haywire. It also causes a depression possibly because of the panic attacks. I can’t work at all because the panic strikes at any time.

It’s like I’m maggoty cheese. Soft and yielding but with soft burrowing creatures chewing and sicking the last part out of me. Sick, scared and alone. The living dead? The desert is in the heart of your brother.

Leaning against the dull roar of the space heater… It feels like I’m a chattering frequency on an old radio. Dead dull painted singing cries against categorised infinities of white noise.